Such a cringe night.

Awky Maz, Uncategorized
mooood mooosic ūüėČ
I like to say yes to any new experiences that crop up. That probably explains why I ended up living in random places all over the world, once appeared in a Jedward music video, and was talking about Ben Shepherd on Radio 1 last week … amongst other random crap I fill my time with.
It’s one thing saying yes to new opportunities and it’s another seeing an opportunity arise and volunteering to do it. One of my fave bloggers, Emma (girl lost in the city) tweeted about an event that she couldn’t attend but highly recommended and said how they needed people to read. It was called ‘Cringe London’ and was basically an open mic of people reading their cringe worthy teenage diaries. I tweeted the lovely lady in charge and signed up (as well as sending her a nice cringe photo to be displayed behind me). I invited Sara to come along for moral support because I wasn’t quite ready to cringe on my own.12874421_10208882327515240_910696778_o
Looking back, I wasn’t really one to keep many teenage diaries because I was too busy bitching about my teachers, avoiding doing my homework and testing my limits on how much vodka it took me to pass out in a field (joking, that never happened if you’re reading mum…). But in Namibia (my gap yaaaaah) I found myself with lots of time for diary writing – because let’s face it, living in the African bush without a TV can get dull at times. I took along two diaries to the Phoenix pub in Cavendish Square and kinda bookmarked what I remembered as a bit embarrassing. Ana suggested I go up second or third to kinda get it out of the way. Down in the basement of the pub Sara and I munched on some sweet potato fries and happily watched Ana go first. She had some great stories from when she was around 15, rating the boys in her class.
Screen Shot 2016-03-22 at 22.43.21.png
More stories came from teenage years in Canada, jumping between boyfriends and scripting what you want to say on the phone to your crush. When it came to my turn I was uncharacteristically nervous because the other readers so far had been friggin hilarious. I’m talking, I could’ve wet myself laughing. Although it probably doesn’t seem like it on paper; reading your very private teenage diaries to a room full of hundreds of strangers in a pub basement is strangely cathartic.
I talked about that time Senanses stole from Fran and I (we were pissssed), dull church services in Namibia and being chased by antelope. I was mid sentence when I got a tap on the shoulder ‘sorry can I interrupt you for a second. Does anyone here know first aid!?’ A girl had fainted. Oh shit. Hoping she was ok and also thinking ‘how weird that me and saz were talking about needing first aid a second ago’. Luckily she was fiiiiine! I carried on where I left off after an interval with minimal drama. It was reassuring to hear a few laughs and not just the total silence I was expecting!12873671_10208882329635293_149873362_o
A few more readers went after me who were so frank, honest and hilarious.There’s no filter with these readings; everything’s included from ‘warm sloppy kisses’ to ‘his hand in between my legs’ and all the cringe in between. I won’t dish out all their secret 15 year old fantasies but we were absolutely pissing ourselves. New Year’s Eve parties, holiday romances that didn’t go past a kiss on the cheek and a lot of ‘is God even that powerful?!’ remarks. We had to dash off at the end but it was great to hear from a few audience members ‘you were so funny!’ – yes that is people laughing at my cringeness.Screen Shot 2016-03-22 at 22.23.46
Reading my diary aloud to room of strangers made me realise; what you imagine at the time to be legit life changing moments, turn out to just be awkward, embarrassing blips of teenage confusion. We all have them, and they’re friggin hilarious to read back on. There’s one more Cringe London event before Ana gives birth – I might not be in London then but will try my best to go. I will force Sara to read and anyone else who fancies a proper cringey laugh should 100% try it. (have I said CRINGE enough..??)
ALL THE LOLS
Maz x
p.s. check out Cringe London here on –
and meee here –
xox
Thanks again Ana for having me!

Awky Maz – ‘get away from her!’

Awky Maz

Another embarrassing moment I just remembered that needs to be documented asap before I permanently block it out!

Screen Shot 2015-04-08 at 23.03.03We were on a weird wine induced night out with a big group of us girls in Paris. We’d been to a metro party that was basically a massive flop because the police were hot on our heels, ha. Everyone was still in high spirits though and we were deciding if it was worth abandoning the cramped metros and rude organisers (errrrr don’t drink all my alcohol svp) and heading to a club instead. As we were leaving the underground station I heard a girl we’d met that night scream at some guy to leave her alone. ‘Just get off me!’ etc etc. Obviously it wasn’t a pleasant situation and no one seemed to be reacting or helping her out. He was being persistent and wouldn’t back off and go home like she’d repeated over and over. So I stepped in, pushed him aside and reassured him that she was better off without his harassment. No one needs random guys trying to cling on all night so in my eyes I was doing what I hoped any of my friends would do for me.

He actually seemed quite genuine and wanted to make sure she was ok. I told him, ‘Hey randomer, leave us alone, we’re all good without you thank you very much. Go home like she asked, we’re trying to have a good night’. He eventually left. The end, happy days, right?

Nope! Turns out he was the girls boyfriend¬†of like 2 years and they lived together. ERRRRRR FAIL MARY. Not only had I told her boyfriend to leave us alone but before I’d found out who he was I’d gone to girl and vented about what a creep and loser he was.

Until next awkward moment eh

Mary

x

Awky Maz – Frenchie on the ferry

Awky Maz
I hate getting the ferry and never plan to sit on the cold P&O boats but unluckily, some coach companies take it instead of the euro tunnel. I was going from Dover to Calais (well, Leeds to Paris) and was woken up by the coach driver, no one else was on the coach and he was angrily telling me to get off and exit the car park. I flustered my way into the seating area, found a plug socket to charge my phone and tried to fall asleep.
 
5 minutes later I was joined by a french guy who had been on the same coach as me. He wanted to have a full on conversation (in French ha) and I wasn’t really feeling it and would’ve much preferred to get to sleep on the plasticky sofa. Each time I drifted off he’d ask more questions or remind me my phone or bag was out. He wasn’t harassing me but I wasn’t in the mood for friendly chats (it was¬†3am). Then he had his phone out and was definitely snapchatting photos of me or photos of him with me in the background. Which is not ok.
 
About 20 minutes of uninterrupted sleep later I woke up to see a family of 4 sitting opposite just watching me. And mysterious french snapchat guy standing above me also watching. WEIRD.
Obviously then I didn’t want to sleep again but if you know me you’ll know I find that difficult! The final time I was awoken was when Frenchie was poking me to let me know we had to re-board the coach.
 
And this ordeal is why I hate ferry journeys.
georgie - swirls 197

me lookin cool.

FullSizeRender

ferry essentials.

Maz x

Awky Maz – aidez moi svp

Awky Maz

Awky Maz number twooooo comes from BHV, a very standard department store in Paris. And everyone’s done this before. I just wanted to share the moment, don’t judge.

awky maz 2

I was shopping in the stationery section of the department store and had been there for over 30 minutes trying to find the right type of sketchbook and I was going a bit mad trying to work out the paperchase section. I saw a guy who’d been stacking a shelf for a while. I asked if he spoke English because my patience was at zero which isn’t french speaking level. He said yes so I proceeded to ask where I could find the sketchbooks, I spoke for a while about how I wasn’t satisfied with a A4 one but needed something a bit smaller but not too small and what paper and pens I needed. I think I may have added how badly layout the shop was. Instead of interrupting me throughout this he waited until the end to tell me he didn’t work there.

If you don’t work there why were you sat stacking shelves?! And why didn’t you stop me sooner?!

Ugh people.

Maz

x

Awky Maz – movin’ on up.

Awky Maz

When I was younger my fave pages in magazines were always the *cringe!* ones. The short, embarrassing stories, usually about stepping in dog poo just before a date with your crush (worst word in the world). My daily life sometimes seems to be a montage of this with added awkward, humiliating moments.

Sooooo I thought I’d put them on the internet.

I had a friend who used to call awkward moments ‘awky mo’s’. Awky Mo’s stuck but Awky Maz is replacing it as Maz is my old nickname. Thanks whoever came up with that flawless phrase that I’m stealing for this title.

me lookin awk

me lookin awk

My first awky mo is from Budapest, late December 2014. So like a few weeks ago. I was already so flustered because I’d been sitting on a train all morning and had arrived in Hungary assuming they used Euros. Never assume a countries currency because you will be wrong 110% of the time. I dragged myself and overly stuffed bags around the station, managing to find a ticket machine that would accept my card, speaking tourist English to a few guys who worked in the train station and found a route to get me to my host’s flat.

The train was busy; lots of foreigners all happily chatting about their trip and a few locals just making their way around the city. I got off the train and saw the long escalator to exit. Since 2013 I’ve had a weird fear of escalators; I can go on them but long ones that you find in tube stations really freak me out. Especially when you have a heavy bag on your back. It’s like, if you fall backwards, smash your head on the moving steps you’ll probably die. So I saw the long escalator and hurried onto it; impatient to reach the top and see my first proper view of Budapest. It turns out the escalator was actually moving the other way, coming down instead of going up. So I tripped hard. I tried to find my balance and hold onto the rail but obviously that was moving towards me too. I did a little trip dance and by some miracle didn’t end up face down (and inevitably dead. kinda.). Instead of laughing at the situation in front of the packed station I tried to style it out by running to the right moving stairs. And everyone just stared.

Maz x